Last night my 11 year old came back from her dad's crying. He had no idea why or how to help.
She said she just made up reasons with him so she wouldn't have to get into it, cause he wouldn't get it anyway...
At first she didn't want to tell me either.
I said "ok are you sure? Its ok if you don't but I am here and I care."
She told me I could read a text she wrote to her sister about it but then I couldn't say anything. I said ok thats fine.
In her text, I read how kids were being mean - making fun of her hair and nose, and how she pretended not to care but every night she cried dreading how she would go back and face that.
I stayed quiet.
I knew a past me would have felt anxious, felt scared for her, maybe would have cried overwhelmed with sadness and helplessness, but I didn't feel helpless this time.
I felt confident.
I TRUSTED myself, and in turn, trusted her.
I did not have to beg for details or trash talk the kids or "freak out."
I stayed quiet but sensed she wanted feedback...
"Still don't want me to say anything, right sweetie?"
"Ok you can say something but just something small."
Fair enough.
I said, "Well you do remember my stories of getting made fun of for my hair and nose too right?" I smiled. She broke into a small smile too, maybe trying to remember the stories I had shared of my bad hair days, or maybe because she felt slightly less alone.
I said, "The only thing I really want you to know is that you don't have to agree with them. It took me many years to realize I got to have my own opinion about myself, but once you know that, you get a kind of superpower- a forcefield where no one and nothing can get in unless you want it to."
Then I got playful acting out ways to react to people's comments:
"Hey why is your hair so frizzy? It looks so weird!"
"I know! Its super frizzy- isn't it cool- most people could never get their hair to do this!" Or, "I know! I love it! Every day I wake up like hmmm what will my hair do today? It's the coolest!"
"Well I think its dumb"
"You can have your opinion but I still think its awesome."
I always wished I could redo middle school as a 37 year old, with the confidence I have now.
I can't but my daughter can.
As long as we stay connected to our kids and safe for them to open up to, we have the chance to pass on so much wisdom.
She will never avoid the outer critics entirely, but if she can tame her inner critic and not take other peoples stuff too personally, she will suffer so much less than I have and be able to enjoy life that much more.
0 comments