It wasn't particularly conscious, but I used to understand life this way:
Doesn't sound too bad, right? Maybe it's a familiar philosophy to you too.
But words are so interesting because they can have stretches and depths of meaning that, albeit well- intentioned, can so easily throw us off course.
What does it mean to become "better and better" for example and...
What makes something a "mistake"?
Well, mistakes by definition cause an unpleasant or uncomfortable outcome and as humans, we tend to like to avoid suffering in general. Makes sense that the fewer mistakes we make, the less we might suffer and the happier we might be.
But the problem is we never know something will be a mistake at the moment of the decision. And sometimes the same exact decision can be deemed brave or be deemed a mistake based on an outcome nobody really controls.
Take a couple who gets married at 19. If they stay in love, evolve together, and the marriage works out, they were brave and had a beautiful young love.
COURAGE
If they grow apart and divorce in their 30s, they were young and naive and they should have waited until they were more mature.
MISTAKE
Same decision.
Different outcome.
Different judgment.
Notice how we most often judge the decision based on the outcome, but no one can know the outcome of their decisions ahead of time so how exactly can we avoid mistakes unless we avoid making decisions altogether?
And isn't trying to make fewer and fewer mistakes taking us down a path of perfectionism?
Because on some level many of us also believe that the more perfect we are, the happier we will also be?
But is that really true?
Is happiness the inevitable air that surrounds us when we can squeeze out all the flaws and errors and mistakes in our bodies and characters and life stories?
In my experience, the road to perfection and the subsequent belief you are superior is a lonely road indeed.
How do people connect with you if you are "better" than them? How do you connect with others in their messy lives?
And so your happiness rests solely on a belief in your own goodness (and superiority) and you are stuck in an uphill battle against yourself trying not to make mistakes that are an inevitable part of life, being concerned about how you are perceived at every turn- a very fragile foundation to build on.
Yet, if we don't strive toward some sort of ideal or perfection, what do we strive toward?
What is the point of all the suffering and learning we do if not to eventually get to a point where we maybe dont have to suffer and learn so much and we can finally be happy and peaceful because we are wise and good at life?
I would offer this: that maybe happiness is found less in a state of perfection and more in a state of non- judgmental curiosity, wonder and awe.
What if we listened to other people's stories and didnt decide whether their choices were good or bad or whether their life journeys were ideal or less than ideal? What if we took that burden off our shoulders and decided we didnt have to decide. We didnt have to judge.
We could just listen in wonder and stand in awe of the wisdom that this one person offers our collective humanity.
I find myself always happiest when I am in a state of awe and wonder and curiosity and connection.
What is your story? What makes you tick? What lights you up? What breaks your heart?
Living in the mystery- the questions, the not knowing lights me up in a way that "I have the nicest house, the best behaved kids, the best relationship" just doesn't.
Judgment statements, perfection statements to me just sound like chosen ignorance, like an unwillingness to put on any other pair of glasses than the ones you are wearing, unwillingness to look at things any other way.
I get the appeal. It feels less scary to think you know how to do life "right" but it's an illusion.
All of our lives are never done before experiments. So experiment. And enjoy.
Embrace the suffering as part of being human- let it give you empathy.
And embrace every possible moment to stand in awe and wonder of this earth, the plants, the animals and the humans in your life right here right now.
Not for the sake of making ever fewer mistakes but for the sake of learning how to be ever more accepting- of others ... and yourself.
For the sake of finding peace and happiness in the air we are already breathing.
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