When I was in the middle of the train wreck that was my divorce, I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, so if that’s where you’re at right now, I get it 100%.
However, I did somehow manage to drag us all through that hellish mess and come out the other side and I just wanted to share some of my personal silver linings to living life in this non-traditional way.
#1 - I appreciate my husband more than I would have if I was never married to my ex.
My ex -husband was hard-working to a fault. The fault being he didn’t know how to relax, and he wasn’t very happy.
Something that attracted me to my current husband was his contagious joy and HAPPINESS. He appeared to actually really enjoy life. So I watched him closely to see why and I noticed he had developed an impressive ability to take care of himself.
If he was tired, he would leave the dishes and rest.
He would seek out activities that rejuvenated him and filled him up.
He was able to work really hard too, but never seemed to get resentful because he also knew how to take a break.
I remembered the person I was when I first got married and how I might have judged him if I had married him first and resented him for not cleaning up dinner before he went to relax on the couch.
Instead, I can now appreciate his self-care and I am filled with gratitude that he takes care of himself and he can be so positive and happy.
Plus, his self-care has helped me learn how to take care of myself better too and give myself permission to rest, to seek out fun or pleasure, and to have a more balanced life.
#2 - My ex is a better dad than when I was married to him
In our relationship, he was harsh and impatient with the kids, frequently resorting to yelling or spanking.
Maybe I stressed him out or the messes stressed him out or having the kids there constantly stressed him out.
Maybe it was just easier for him to fall back on me being there to deal with them, but in any case, I feel like us divorcing was the best thing that could have happened for my kids’ relationship with their dad.
Now, when he sees them, he is focused on them. He thinks on his own of stuff to do with them. He asks what size shoe they wear and investigates their interests since he has to get them birthday gifts and not just rely on me.
He doesn’t take them for granted because he doesn’t see them all the time. Our kids tell me he is kinder than before, calmer and more playful.
Having me there as a buffer of sorts was not serving him and them in terms of having their own personal connection. Our separation allowed space for their connection.
#3 - My kids have developed more skills
They have to be more organized living between two homes.
They have to adapt to different rules, lifestyles, and values.
They have to advocate for themselves and explain things that they wouldn’t living in just one home.
They know they can get through difficult and unexpected challenges.
They have witnessed their parents making changes to their plan when it wasn’t serving them.
They have learned love endures through physical separation.
They have grown so much and learned so much through this particular journey.
#4 - My kids have more financial and emotional resources
They have two households working to support them, rather than just one. They can experience living in two different places and all the benefits that come with each location- neighbors, local parks, pets.
They get different opportunities for fun and entertainment from both of their families. They see different options for how to be in relationship, how to handle money, how to prioritize time.
They have multiple adults to reach out to about things that might come up for them, multiple perspectives to consider. It is so rich.
#5 - My husband and I get some alone time
As much as a part of me never wants to be away from the kids, it is always a bit refreshing to get some “me” time or some time on my own with my husband.
My ex is super dependable with the schedule I can generally count on certain days when I know I am going to get to do stuff that is easier to do without the kids.
Sometimes my husband and I get away on a date for a few hours or I do some work for my class. Sometimes, I take a nap or catch up on housework. Regardless, it is nice to have a little time that I can just worry about myself and I know the kids are with another parent who really loves them.
Maybe these apply to you too, maybe some apply, or maybe none are reflected in your unique story, but I sincerely believe there is no ideal path- just different roads that take us different places, and there is undoubtedly something beautiful in the place you find yourself today.
May you be challenged to discover the silver linings of the storm clouds in your life. And may you be inspired to uncover the hidden treasures of your journey that may have eluded you until now.
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