All too often we see our children as projects we need to mold and perfect. Many parents believe children’s behavior is a direct reflection of their parenting and that it shows how competent and capable they are.
In reality, though, children are young humans and we cannot ultimately control them and their behavior more than we can control any other human being.
Did I just say we can’t control our kids?
Let me clarify. We only have so many options to control ANYONE outside ourselves. Those options essentially come down to:
- Force (leaving another person with options where they comply or face a violent/harsh/scary consequence)
- Influence (convincing another to comply based on logic, reasoning, relationship, connection and example – setting)
We have gotten to a point where most people (at least in my life) would find it appalling and unacceptable to use force against another adult to gain compliance- think things like being held at gunpoint, blackmailed, domestic violence, threats, assault, etc.
However, it is still largely acceptable to use fear-based strategies to get compliance from children.
Clean your room or I’ll take away your favorite stuffed animal (essentially this is a threat to steal something valuable from them, isn’t it?)
Get in the car or I’ll leave you here by yourself (a threat of being left alone when kids depend on us for their very survival- that’s like someone saying they’ll leave us stranded at the top of a mountain to die)
Go to your room if you can’t stop crying (can you imagine if your husband said that to you when you were upset over something? Why are kids’ feelings seen as so much less important and easier to dismiss?)
But, Janelle, there are things I NEED my kids to do – wear a seatbelt, eat healthy meals, brush their teeth, bathe, sleep and sometimes they put up a fuss. What am I supposed to do then?
This is the part that gets both tricky and fun, both challenging and creative, right? Because how DO we get certain behaviors from our kids without our “go-to” threats or punishments or even physical force? What else is there?
Well, there’s influence.
And parents are at a huge advantage because kids are naturally wired to want to make their parents happy. They know intuitively that their survival depends on you taking care of them and so they WANT to connect with you and they WANT your love, attention and affection.
It’s up to us as grown-ups to understand this and not use it to manipulate our kids into certain behaviors, but to treat our relationships with our kids like a REAL RELATIONSHIPS.
What do our best, healthiest relationships look like?
We listen, maybe even more than we talk.
We ask questions.
We assume best intentions.
We try to understand.
We learn what’s important to the other person.
Let’s pretend my 2 year old doesn’t want to sit in her car seat. My first inclination is to hold her down and buckle her in because she HAS to and we need to leave. But a real relationship wouldn’t use force. It would try to understand- why don’t you want to sit in it? Is it uncomfortable? Are you longing to feel “bigger” and not use a seat anymore like your older brother? Is there another way to meet that need?
“I need you to sit in the car seat still because it’s the law and it’s for safety, but I totally understand how hard it is to feel like you’re smaller and don’t have the same freedom or privileges as your brother. I’ve been thinking how I think you might be old enough to help me make cookies. Do you want to do that later this afternoon?”
Imagine being that 2 year old. Imagine feeling young and helpless and frustrated about all the things you are told NOT to do every day and then to be held down and forced into your car seat. Imagine if you had a parent who took the extra time and effort to SEE you, HEAR you, even imagine what you might be feeling and going through and guess at what you need and think of how to meet it. What would that do for your sense of love and belonging and confidence in the world and in yourself?
The magic is in the details. It is the difference between seeing our kids as projects and seeing them as people.
What do you want for yours?
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